Есть чудесная англоязычная фэновая песенка - "Как с тобой в кровать не пойдут". Женское руководство для мужчин, так сказать. Вещь исключительно смешная: перевести её адекватно, как песню, мне пока не удалось. Посему выкладываю сам текст. Хотя без записи, конечно, он теряет немало очарования - особенно показательны те места, где слушатели смеются особенно громко.
Have fun!
читать дальшеListen and I'll tell ya how it's done...
If you want a woman, learn from one!
Don't presume this is all for your fun,
For these are not the ways to get laid!
First: don't ignore that measuring tape,
And chow down 'til you lose your shape,
'Cause nobody beds with Moby Grape.
For this is not the way to get laid.
Don't play the Cool Sophisticate to prove how smart you are.
Telling all your kinky fantasies will not -- get you -- very far.
Don't skip washing; do it well.
Don't let laundry go to hell.
Don't think women like the smell.
This is not the way to get laid.
And when some babe comes into view...
Don't let hormones think for you,
Or start by saying: 'Hi. Let's screw.'
This is not the way to get laid!
Don't pour your whole life story out on every handy ear.
Let's get real; your life's a bore, or else you -- wouldn't -- still be here.
Don't be gross when you begin,
Or tell plump girls you like 'em thin,
Or brag of where your tongue has been,
For this is not the way to get laid.
Don't assume they love your bod,
Or that your dick is a holy rod,
Or that your feelings are the Word of God.
For this is not the way to get laid.
No-one's gonna fill your bed just because you're you.
Nobody cares what you think or feel, unless you give them reason to!
'Cause if you talk and act like a dirty schmoe,
Look and smell like a buffalo,
Then even the whores are gonna say no.
This is not the way to get laid!
Grow up, baby, and don't say 'maybe',
Or else you'll never get laid!